The greatest thief, murderer, and liar in the world is fear.
Time and time again, it has stolen precious things from me and from others around me. The paralyzing power it has can stop words from coming out of our mouths, kill progress, silence dreams, drive people apart, and quell the storm of passion that brews in each of our hearts. The saddest part is that our world needs that passion more and more with each passing day.
Fear plays a game with our hearts, whispering quietly to us that we don't deserve the very things that we do.
"You aren't good enough."
"You aren't smart enough."
"If you say that, they won't like you."
"If you do that, it won't be good enough."
I am guilty of listening to and believing this bastard on more than one account.
I have waited until the last minute to do something before purely because I didn't believe my best would be good enough.
I've listened to the snake-ish whisper that I'm not good enough to allow countless people to walk over me. All this happening while the truth rests as a voiceless lump in my throat.
I'm done.
We owe it to ourselves and the fragile life we live on this intrepid earth to live to our potential, to dream outside of the box. Who says you can't accomplish that? Prove them wrong.
"Sometimes, it's the people who no one imagines anything of that do the things that no one can imagine."
What is holding you back? Is it that voice that has plagued you for too long?
It's time to take back the ground we so unreasonably give up. You were put on this Earth for far more than you will reasonably have time to achieve, but as long as there is breath in your chest, shouldn't you be doing something about it?
This world that is tainted by jealousy, envy, rage, hatred, and so much more needs the passion that brews deep in your soul to come alive. If we took stands against the tyranny of fear, then I believe that so many of the ugly things of this world would not exist any more.
Stop believing the lies. Stop holding yourself back form what you can truly become. Don't let fear tell you to fall on the sword, when you should be heading into battle.
Let's change the world. It starts with you.
Philippians 4:5-7
Exodus 14:14
Psalm 46:10
Psalm 27:1
Romans 8:31-39
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Sunday, September 7, 2014
the death of comparison
We come in all shapes, sizes, colors, etc. and our uniqueness is beautiful. There is no one else exactly like you on this earth. I think we far too often forget that. I know I do.
I have struggled for a long time with my physical appearance. When I was young, I wanted to be like Michael Jordan - athletic, 6'6", famous, successful, black (kidding...wait, no I'm not). If you have met me, or perused my photos on the interwebs, then you would be aware that none of the above are true.
Most of the time, I have covered over this self-professed flaw with copious amounts of sarcasm.
Oddly enough, it turns out that sarcasm is not the cure for self-loathing. Who knew?
But, it turns out that I was never meant to be Michael Jordan, or anyone else for that matter. I was created to be Kenny Bump. And despite my unique flaws, I am successfully myself every day.
One of my favorite stories ever talks about a young boy who would be king. He was the youngest of his brothers, not as handsome, not as big. But, the story reveals after he is chosen king, much to the chagrin of his brothers, that his heart was what made him worthy to be king. He would lead his country to the highest point of it's existence. He would slay giants, increase in wealth, crush all of his enemies, and win the hearts of the people. Not too shabby for the not-as-handsome duckling, huh? Now, he was not without fault, but he was the only person to be called out as being "a man after God's own heart". Verily, my favorite verse in the Word says, "For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart."
I have always believed that there is purpose in everything. So, with that thought in mind, wouldn't that mean we are all created just the way we are for a specific purpose?
God already had a Michael Jordan on this earth. He needed a sarcastic, pale, skinny, ambitious Kenny Bump. That's my cue. So, it's time that we stop comparing ourselves to others and live the lives we were made to.
Don't drink the arsenic of looking at other people's lives and wishing you were them or had what they had. Too often we don't know the whole story.
If we focus on living our own story, just imagine the kingdoms that could be built. It's time for a funeral, folks. Let's bury comparison once and for all. You in? Good. I brought the shovel.
Do not go gentle.
I have struggled for a long time with my physical appearance. When I was young, I wanted to be like Michael Jordan - athletic, 6'6", famous, successful, black (kidding...wait, no I'm not). If you have met me, or perused my photos on the interwebs, then you would be aware that none of the above are true.
Most of the time, I have covered over this self-professed flaw with copious amounts of sarcasm.
Oddly enough, it turns out that sarcasm is not the cure for self-loathing. Who knew?
But, it turns out that I was never meant to be Michael Jordan, or anyone else for that matter. I was created to be Kenny Bump. And despite my unique flaws, I am successfully myself every day.
One of my favorite stories ever talks about a young boy who would be king. He was the youngest of his brothers, not as handsome, not as big. But, the story reveals after he is chosen king, much to the chagrin of his brothers, that his heart was what made him worthy to be king. He would lead his country to the highest point of it's existence. He would slay giants, increase in wealth, crush all of his enemies, and win the hearts of the people. Not too shabby for the not-as-handsome duckling, huh? Now, he was not without fault, but he was the only person to be called out as being "a man after God's own heart". Verily, my favorite verse in the Word says, "For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart."
I have always believed that there is purpose in everything. So, with that thought in mind, wouldn't that mean we are all created just the way we are for a specific purpose?
God already had a Michael Jordan on this earth. He needed a sarcastic, pale, skinny, ambitious Kenny Bump. That's my cue. So, it's time that we stop comparing ourselves to others and live the lives we were made to.
Don't drink the arsenic of looking at other people's lives and wishing you were them or had what they had. Too often we don't know the whole story.
If we focus on living our own story, just imagine the kingdoms that could be built. It's time for a funeral, folks. Let's bury comparison once and for all. You in? Good. I brought the shovel.
Do not go gentle.
Thursday, June 26, 2014
what is the cost?
What if you were told that it would cost you everything to achieve your dreams?
Would you still aspire to them? Or would the cost be considered too great?
Recently, I have been asking myself these questions, trying to determine my level of commitment to what I truly want to achieve. I have learned that nothing worthwhile comes easily. This is proven again and again through those that achieve lasting greatness. And by greatness I'm not talking about money or fleeting success by everyone loving your mugshot on facebook.
James Truslow Adams said, "The great use of life is to create something that will outlast it."
What if we lived our lives like that every day?
I believe we would create a world that no longer settled and was enamored with fleeting success, but we would cultivate a society that excelled.
Jesus told his disciples that no man sets out to build a tower and does not first consider the cost. Otherwise, he will look like a fool when he is unable to finish because he can no longer fund it.
So, consider your dreams and aspirations. Are you pushing yourself to be the greatest you could possibly be? What is holding you back?
Eleanor Roosevelt said, "We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot."
Reality check. Are you willing to go through anything, to brave the darkest storms and mightiest waves, in order to become what you were made to be?
After all, I've heard it said that a smooth sea never made a skillful sailor.
I'd rather live my life using every last drop of talent I have, than to hoard it away and play it safe, settling for less than I deserve.
Let's take that step. Let's set out to sea on the adventure of taking full hold of our lives. Fear is only holding you back from what you were truly made to be.
Would you still aspire to them? Or would the cost be considered too great?
Recently, I have been asking myself these questions, trying to determine my level of commitment to what I truly want to achieve. I have learned that nothing worthwhile comes easily. This is proven again and again through those that achieve lasting greatness. And by greatness I'm not talking about money or fleeting success by everyone loving your mugshot on facebook.
James Truslow Adams said, "The great use of life is to create something that will outlast it."
What if we lived our lives like that every day?
I believe we would create a world that no longer settled and was enamored with fleeting success, but we would cultivate a society that excelled.
Jesus told his disciples that no man sets out to build a tower and does not first consider the cost. Otherwise, he will look like a fool when he is unable to finish because he can no longer fund it.
So, consider your dreams and aspirations. Are you pushing yourself to be the greatest you could possibly be? What is holding you back?
Eleanor Roosevelt said, "We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot."
Reality check. Are you willing to go through anything, to brave the darkest storms and mightiest waves, in order to become what you were made to be?
 | ||
| Stormy Sea - Marcus Larson |
I'd rather live my life using every last drop of talent I have, than to hoard it away and play it safe, settling for less than I deserve.
Let's take that step. Let's set out to sea on the adventure of taking full hold of our lives. Fear is only holding you back from what you were truly made to be.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Saturday
It is Saturday. Sunday is coming.
As frail as we all are, we tend to operate out of strength and purpose when we feel the safest. We get jobs that offer benefits, and vacation days. We get insurance to provide peace of mind from something bad happening. We operate with safety nets. We do not dare to dream beyond our bed sheets. It's not safe out there. You could fail.
What happened to us living in real strength? The type of strength and purpose that comes without a net. The type of lives that blaze new trails into the unknown.
Maybe you have allowed yourself to become complacent and you have settled. We all have. If we hadn't, this world would be vastly different. But, it's time for a change.
We need to live without safety nets. We need to dare to dream impossible things and then go live them. There is a great adventure out there that needs to be lived. You are worth more than your 401k. You are more precious than your bottom line bank account. You are more valuable than that person you're dating, or wish you were dating, thinks you are. Start living like it.
It is Saturday. Yesterday, the Creator of the universe stooped down to pay the ransom for our sins with His own Son's life, the ultimate sacrifice. On Sunday, He rose to prove that there is nothing on this earth that can separate us from His love, even our own doubt and unbelief.
So, it is Saturday. Sunday is coming. If your life is valuable enough for the God of all creation to rescue you, then shouldn't it be valuable enough for you to live it with a purpose?
As frail as we all are, we tend to operate out of strength and purpose when we feel the safest. We get jobs that offer benefits, and vacation days. We get insurance to provide peace of mind from something bad happening. We operate with safety nets. We do not dare to dream beyond our bed sheets. It's not safe out there. You could fail.
What happened to us living in real strength? The type of strength and purpose that comes without a net. The type of lives that blaze new trails into the unknown.
Maybe you have allowed yourself to become complacent and you have settled. We all have. If we hadn't, this world would be vastly different. But, it's time for a change.
We need to live without safety nets. We need to dare to dream impossible things and then go live them. There is a great adventure out there that needs to be lived. You are worth more than your 401k. You are more precious than your bottom line bank account. You are more valuable than that person you're dating, or wish you were dating, thinks you are. Start living like it.
It is Saturday. Yesterday, the Creator of the universe stooped down to pay the ransom for our sins with His own Son's life, the ultimate sacrifice. On Sunday, He rose to prove that there is nothing on this earth that can separate us from His love, even our own doubt and unbelief.
So, it is Saturday. Sunday is coming. If your life is valuable enough for the God of all creation to rescue you, then shouldn't it be valuable enough for you to live it with a purpose?
Friday, March 28, 2014
I'm an addict.
The irony of this post is it's effect on my addiction. I'm addicted to what others think of me. I have always thought I had to be attractive, or smart, or funny, or successful to have anyone like me. It's true.
Recently, I've been reading a rough copy of Donald Miller's upcoming novel, Scary Close. I'm always amazed at how he says what's in my head already. In his words, I find someone else who struggles with this same addiction. It's comforting, but also awakens me to the fact that so many of us do the same thing. We hide behind what we hope people like about us, and therefore, we are never our true self.
That's scary to me.
I'm admitting my addiction to you, so that maybe I can start to heal from it before it's too late. Honestly, I want to be liked for who I am at my very core.
No matter what the future holds, the people that authentically love us, will be there until the end.
So, I am not my past. I am not my future. I am me. I was formed in the hands of a perfect Creator, and I poorly represent myself and Him daily. I have inside this meager flesh a heart of a lion. Anything good or impressive that I have ever done is not me, it's the One who made me making diamonds from coal.
I'm an addict. But I don't want to live that way anymore. Today, I want to be free.
Monday, February 24, 2014
the space between
What is it that makes us feel complete - like we have nothing else we could possibly want? In our world, we too often profess "if I had that job", "if I could get more money", "if I could find true love", "if I could look like that", or "if I could lose 10 more pounds" - if, if, if - a life built on "ifs" isn't much to live for, is it?
Each day, I try to choose to live in the place where I am already happy, counting my blessings and things that I already have in my life, instead of what I don't have. Trust me, this is not always easy. In fact some days, I have to lay in bed a few minutes longer to let the reminder set in, coaching myself through each step. After all, if I start out my day wishing for a bunch of things to happen to make me happy or to complete me, then I miss out on every moment in between - I miss the sun shining down on me, or the simple grace of having a door to lock behind me, or a bed to roll out of, or the wonderful people who are in my life right now.
The most quoted Psalm in the Bible says "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want." (Psalm 23)
Think about that for a moment.
Where do you find your rest and contentment? Why do want those things? Would we really be better for having them?
I learn everyday how there is nothing else I need other than Jesus. I came into this world with nothing and I can take nothing with me when I go. So, why am I trying to find happiness with things in the space between life and death?
Live on purpose. You are not defined by possessions, or relationships, or status - you are meant to know one thing - you are loved. From the moment you are born you already have everything you will ever need. And there is an indescribable God who stands in the space between, loving us regardless of anything.
Be blessed.
Do not go gentle.
Ephesians 2:8-9
"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast."
Philippians 4:6-7
"do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving lt your requests be made known to God."
Matthew 6:25-
"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteous, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
Each day, I try to choose to live in the place where I am already happy, counting my blessings and things that I already have in my life, instead of what I don't have. Trust me, this is not always easy. In fact some days, I have to lay in bed a few minutes longer to let the reminder set in, coaching myself through each step. After all, if I start out my day wishing for a bunch of things to happen to make me happy or to complete me, then I miss out on every moment in between - I miss the sun shining down on me, or the simple grace of having a door to lock behind me, or a bed to roll out of, or the wonderful people who are in my life right now.
The most quoted Psalm in the Bible says "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want." (Psalm 23)
Think about that for a moment.
Where do you find your rest and contentment? Why do want those things? Would we really be better for having them?
I learn everyday how there is nothing else I need other than Jesus. I came into this world with nothing and I can take nothing with me when I go. So, why am I trying to find happiness with things in the space between life and death?
Live on purpose. You are not defined by possessions, or relationships, or status - you are meant to know one thing - you are loved. From the moment you are born you already have everything you will ever need. And there is an indescribable God who stands in the space between, loving us regardless of anything.
Be blessed.
Do not go gentle.
Ephesians 2:8-9
"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast."
Philippians 4:6-7
"do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving lt your requests be made known to God."
Matthew 6:25-
"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteous, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
Friday, February 7, 2014
Hi, I'm Kenny and I sincerely apologize.
In case you missed the title, my name is Kenny and I am really sorry.
"What have you done?", you ask. Well, aside from the general missteps, nothing.
But I feel the need to apologize.
Many of you (standard 12 to 14 who look at this blog regularly) may have noticed that recently I have been posting about my faith a lot. This has always been something important to me. And as I have explored it further, I've uncovered a litany of hurts for others. Hurts as in, many people who have been misled by the very people who also post about their faith, but litter their posts with "you need to", "you should", "if you don't", and the like. Let me apologize for that misconception, and offer this instead: I do not know everything, nor am I in any way better than any one else. Period. Exclamation point. And those others who post those things, know in their hearts the same thing.
So, let me put it simply. I have been introduced to someone who revolutionizes my life daily, who pushes me to excel in areas beyond myself and who loves me despite everything I have ever done wrong or I ever will do wrong. I know Him, but I meet Him new every day.
He is Jesus.
He is my best friend, and so much more. I don't always understand what He is doing in my life, but I learn daily to trust Him and be vulnerable so that I grow and become better than yesterday.
So, I apologize for the misconception that have been presented before that others who know Him have their lives together, or can tell others what to do, or are in any way better than any one else.
The truth is, we are all equal.
The truth is Jesus loves all of us, no matter where we are or what we think.
I have a friend that you should meet. He's far better than I'll ever be, and I'm so thankful for that.
Anything good I do comes from Him.
I hope you get to meet Him, and maybe He will bless us both to meet Him together.
Do not go gentle.
Monday, February 3, 2014
worth
I'm constantly battling with God over what my worth is. There are things and events that I desperately want to happen in my life, that I, for one reason or another, believe would bring me value and worth. What He constantly whispers into my life is "Your worth doesn't live there."
I think:
"If I just had that car."
"If I could afford this house."
"If I could be like that person."
"If I could be loved like that."
The lie that we have listened to for so long is where our worth lies. There is no amount of money that can buy happiness. There is no possession that makes you any better. There is not even another person on this earth that can make you a more valuable creation.
Creation. That's what we are. We too often fail to remember where we came from; from the hands of an immaculate Creator, the Author of The Greatest Story Ever Told/The Story Written Every Day With Every Breath. We are the most exciting part of the creation story and the most prized possession of Almighty God/Yahweh/Jehovah/Elohim/I Am/Father.
Honestly, I'm afraid of a world that is fueled by possession, because there will never be enough. By putting your worth in what you own, you become owned by your possessions. How silly to be enslaved by something we name and create, and dub "luxury", "gold', "exclusive".
Below is a story from the book of Daniel, that pushes me in who I really am. Read and consider for yourself which person are you, Belshazzar or Daniel. In this life, there is no gray area. We are either awake to where our value lies or asleep in the deception of our worth being determined by status and possession.
Do not go gentle.
Daniel 5
King Belshazzar made a great feast for a thousand of his lords and drank wine in front of the thousand.
Belshazzar, when he tasted the wine, commanded that the vessels of gold and of silver that Nebuchadnezzar his father had taken out of the temple in Jerusalem be brought, that the king and his lords, his wives, and his concubines might drink from them. Then they brought in the golden vessels that had been taken out of the temple, the house of God in Jerusalem, and the king and his lords, his wives, and his concubines drank from them. They drank wine and praised the gods of gold and silver, bronze, iron, wood, and stone.
Immediately the fingers of a human hand appeared and wrote on the plaster of the wall of the king's palace, opposite the lampstand. And the king saw the hand as it wrote. Then the king's color changed, and his thoughts alarmed him; his limbs gave way, and his knees knocked together. The king called loudly to bring in the enchanters, the Chaldeans, and the astrologers. The king declared to the wise men of Babylon, “Whoever reads this writing, and shows me its interpretation, shall be clothed with purple and have a chain of gold around his neck and shall be the third ruler in the kingdom.” Then all the king's wise men came in, but they could not read the writing or make known to the king the interpretation. Then King Belshazzar was greatly alarmed, and his color changed, and his lords were perplexed.
The queen, because of the words of the king and his lords, came into the banqueting hall, and the queen declared, “O king, live forever! Let not your thoughts alarm you or your color change. There is a man in your kingdom in whom is the spirit of the holy gods. In the days of your father, light and understanding and wisdom like the wisdom of the gods were found in him, and King Nebuchadnezzar, your father—your father the king—made him chief of the magicians, enchanters, Chaldeans, and astrologers, because an excellent spirit, knowledge, and understanding to interpret dreams, explain riddles, and solve problems were found in this Daniel, whom the king named Belteshazzar. Now let Daniel be called, and he will show the interpretation.”
Then Daniel was brought in before the king. The king answered and said to Daniel, “You are that Daniel, one of the exiles of Judah, whom the king my father brought from Judah. I have heard of you that the spirit of the gods is in you, and that light and understanding and excellent wisdom are found in you. Now the wise men, the enchanters, have been brought in before me to read this writing and make known to me its interpretation, but they could not show the interpretation of the matter. But I have heard that you can give interpretations and solve problems. Now if you can read the writing and make known to me its interpretation, you shall be clothed with purple and have a chain of gold around your neck and shall be the third ruler in the kingdom.”
Then Daniel answered and said before the king, “Let your gifts be for yourself, and give your rewards to another. Nevertheless, I will read the writing to the king and make known to him the interpretation. O king, the Most High God gave Nebuchadnezzar your father kingship and greatness and glory and majesty. And because of the greatness that he gave him, all peoples, nations, and languages trembled and feared before him. Whom he would, he killed, and whom he would, he kept alive; whom he would, he raised up, and whom he would, he humbled. But when his heart was lifted up and his spirit was hardened so that he dealt proudly, he was brought down from his kingly throne, and his glory was taken from him. He was driven from among the children of mankind, and his mind was made like that of a beast, and his dwelling was with the wild donkeys. He was fed grass like an ox, and his body was wet with the dew of heaven, until he knew that the Most High God rules the kingdom of mankind and sets over it whom he will. And you his son, Belshazzar, have not humbled your heart, though you knew all this, but you have lifted up yourself against the Lord of heaven. And the vessels of his house have been brought in before you, and you and your lords, your wives, and your concubines have drunk wine from them. And you have praised the gods of silver and gold, of bronze, iron, wood, and stone, which do not see or hear or know, but the God in whose hand is your breath, and whose are all your ways, you have not honored.
“Then from his presence the hand was sent, and this writing was inscribed. And this is the writing that was inscribed: Mene, Mene, Tekel, and Parsin. This is the interpretation of the matter: Mene, God has numbered the days of your kingdom and brought it to an end; Tekel, you have been weighed in the balances and found wanting; Peres, your kingdom is divided and given to the Medes and Persians.”
Then Belshazzar gave the command, and Daniel was clothed with purple, a chain of gold was put around his neck, and a proclamation was made about him, that he should be the third ruler in the kingdom.
That very night Belshazzar the Chaldean king was killed. And Darius the Mede received the kingdom, being about sixty-two years old.
Ephesians 2:4-9
Jeremiah 29:11
Matthew 10:29-33
Romans 5:6-8
Romans 8:32
1 John 3:16-17
I think:
"If I just had that car."
"If I could afford this house."
"If I could be like that person."
"If I could be loved like that."
The lie that we have listened to for so long is where our worth lies. There is no amount of money that can buy happiness. There is no possession that makes you any better. There is not even another person on this earth that can make you a more valuable creation.
Creation. That's what we are. We too often fail to remember where we came from; from the hands of an immaculate Creator, the Author of The Greatest Story Ever Told/The Story Written Every Day With Every Breath. We are the most exciting part of the creation story and the most prized possession of Almighty God/Yahweh/Jehovah/Elohim/I Am/Father.
Honestly, I'm afraid of a world that is fueled by possession, because there will never be enough. By putting your worth in what you own, you become owned by your possessions. How silly to be enslaved by something we name and create, and dub "luxury", "gold', "exclusive".
Below is a story from the book of Daniel, that pushes me in who I really am. Read and consider for yourself which person are you, Belshazzar or Daniel. In this life, there is no gray area. We are either awake to where our value lies or asleep in the deception of our worth being determined by status and possession.
Do not go gentle.
Daniel 5
King Belshazzar made a great feast for a thousand of his lords and drank wine in front of the thousand.
Belshazzar, when he tasted the wine, commanded that the vessels of gold and of silver that Nebuchadnezzar his father had taken out of the temple in Jerusalem be brought, that the king and his lords, his wives, and his concubines might drink from them. Then they brought in the golden vessels that had been taken out of the temple, the house of God in Jerusalem, and the king and his lords, his wives, and his concubines drank from them. They drank wine and praised the gods of gold and silver, bronze, iron, wood, and stone.
Immediately the fingers of a human hand appeared and wrote on the plaster of the wall of the king's palace, opposite the lampstand. And the king saw the hand as it wrote. Then the king's color changed, and his thoughts alarmed him; his limbs gave way, and his knees knocked together. The king called loudly to bring in the enchanters, the Chaldeans, and the astrologers. The king declared to the wise men of Babylon, “Whoever reads this writing, and shows me its interpretation, shall be clothed with purple and have a chain of gold around his neck and shall be the third ruler in the kingdom.” Then all the king's wise men came in, but they could not read the writing or make known to the king the interpretation. Then King Belshazzar was greatly alarmed, and his color changed, and his lords were perplexed.
The queen, because of the words of the king and his lords, came into the banqueting hall, and the queen declared, “O king, live forever! Let not your thoughts alarm you or your color change. There is a man in your kingdom in whom is the spirit of the holy gods. In the days of your father, light and understanding and wisdom like the wisdom of the gods were found in him, and King Nebuchadnezzar, your father—your father the king—made him chief of the magicians, enchanters, Chaldeans, and astrologers, because an excellent spirit, knowledge, and understanding to interpret dreams, explain riddles, and solve problems were found in this Daniel, whom the king named Belteshazzar. Now let Daniel be called, and he will show the interpretation.”
Then Daniel was brought in before the king. The king answered and said to Daniel, “You are that Daniel, one of the exiles of Judah, whom the king my father brought from Judah. I have heard of you that the spirit of the gods is in you, and that light and understanding and excellent wisdom are found in you. Now the wise men, the enchanters, have been brought in before me to read this writing and make known to me its interpretation, but they could not show the interpretation of the matter. But I have heard that you can give interpretations and solve problems. Now if you can read the writing and make known to me its interpretation, you shall be clothed with purple and have a chain of gold around your neck and shall be the third ruler in the kingdom.”
Then Daniel answered and said before the king, “Let your gifts be for yourself, and give your rewards to another. Nevertheless, I will read the writing to the king and make known to him the interpretation. O king, the Most High God gave Nebuchadnezzar your father kingship and greatness and glory and majesty. And because of the greatness that he gave him, all peoples, nations, and languages trembled and feared before him. Whom he would, he killed, and whom he would, he kept alive; whom he would, he raised up, and whom he would, he humbled. But when his heart was lifted up and his spirit was hardened so that he dealt proudly, he was brought down from his kingly throne, and his glory was taken from him. He was driven from among the children of mankind, and his mind was made like that of a beast, and his dwelling was with the wild donkeys. He was fed grass like an ox, and his body was wet with the dew of heaven, until he knew that the Most High God rules the kingdom of mankind and sets over it whom he will. And you his son, Belshazzar, have not humbled your heart, though you knew all this, but you have lifted up yourself against the Lord of heaven. And the vessels of his house have been brought in before you, and you and your lords, your wives, and your concubines have drunk wine from them. And you have praised the gods of silver and gold, of bronze, iron, wood, and stone, which do not see or hear or know, but the God in whose hand is your breath, and whose are all your ways, you have not honored.
“Then from his presence the hand was sent, and this writing was inscribed. And this is the writing that was inscribed: Mene, Mene, Tekel, and Parsin. This is the interpretation of the matter: Mene, God has numbered the days of your kingdom and brought it to an end; Tekel, you have been weighed in the balances and found wanting; Peres, your kingdom is divided and given to the Medes and Persians.”
Then Belshazzar gave the command, and Daniel was clothed with purple, a chain of gold was put around his neck, and a proclamation was made about him, that he should be the third ruler in the kingdom.
That very night Belshazzar the Chaldean king was killed. And Darius the Mede received the kingdom, being about sixty-two years old.
Ephesians 2:4-9
Jeremiah 29:11
Matthew 10:29-33
Romans 5:6-8
Romans 8:32
1 John 3:16-17
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
dare to overcome
In this life, we are given just a few breaths to become something great. Just a few heartbeats. A lifetime of irreplaceable moments. A blank canvas of time. What will you create with it?
Finding that this life is mortal and fleeting confirms the importance of every moment. You are only held back from doing anything by the walls you build around yourself. You are not your past. You are not what you have been through. You are defined by what you have overcome, by the trials that you have let make you better and stronger.
Step out. Be bold. Dream. Never give up.
This life is meant to be lived. Every single moment.
So, as we set about trying to right the wrongs of last year, focus on the positives in your life, the blessings of what you do have. This year is a clean slate. A chance to live up to the potential you possess.
This year, everything changes. This year, we shall overcome.
Do not go gentle.
Finding that this life is mortal and fleeting confirms the importance of every moment. You are only held back from doing anything by the walls you build around yourself. You are not your past. You are not what you have been through. You are defined by what you have overcome, by the trials that you have let make you better and stronger.
Step out. Be bold. Dream. Never give up.
This life is meant to be lived. Every single moment.
So, as we set about trying to right the wrongs of last year, focus on the positives in your life, the blessings of what you do have. This year is a clean slate. A chance to live up to the potential you possess.
This year, everything changes. This year, we shall overcome.
Do not go gentle.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
the wallflower
I have spent my life as a wallflower. In most social situations, I sit quietly watching the world around me pass, for many reasons. But it wasn't until recently I realized that was because I did not really value myself.
There is something quite beautiful about loving and valuing yourself. I'm not talking about a pompous attitude. No. Trust me, no one likes the pompous attitude. But being overly humble, to the point that you quiet your own voice, isn't exactly going to win you the mantle of Most Likely to Succeed. We value affirmation, but that praise has to begin within us. We have to believe we have worth in order to receive it.
Being a wallflower can be just fine in some scenarios, but it's not meant for us to live our lives entirely that way. We have to love ourselves enough to show the world what we can do. You will only find what you are capable of when you step out from the shadows and be what you were meant to be. Until you love yourself, you will never be ready or able to receive love.
This is a lesson that I'm personally learning every day. I pray you find your love, worth and value as well. And let's enjoy the journey.
Love yourself. You are worthy. Your life has purpose. And it all starts with you.
Do not go gentle.
There is something quite beautiful about loving and valuing yourself. I'm not talking about a pompous attitude. No. Trust me, no one likes the pompous attitude. But being overly humble, to the point that you quiet your own voice, isn't exactly going to win you the mantle of Most Likely to Succeed. We value affirmation, but that praise has to begin within us. We have to believe we have worth in order to receive it.
Being a wallflower can be just fine in some scenarios, but it's not meant for us to live our lives entirely that way. We have to love ourselves enough to show the world what we can do. You will only find what you are capable of when you step out from the shadows and be what you were meant to be. Until you love yourself, you will never be ready or able to receive love.
This is a lesson that I'm personally learning every day. I pray you find your love, worth and value as well. And let's enjoy the journey.
Love yourself. You are worthy. Your life has purpose. And it all starts with you.
Do not go gentle.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
death of Superman
1 Corinthians 9:24-27
Hebrews 12:1-13
Proverbs 4:26
2 Corinthians 4:7
I'm prideful. I'm selfish. I can be deceitful. I can be vindictive. I succumb to anger. I'm envious. I fail to uphold my word. I worry. I doubt. I judge. I hate. I lie. I hurt. I fail.
I'm a failure, and that's a beautiful thing.
All of these things are extremely hard to admit, and none are aspirations, but every one of them points towards the fact that I can not do anything on my own. I can only do so much to fix them in my life. Ultimately, I need someone to help me clean house in my life. My own strength only feeds the cycle.
Growing up, I always aspired to be a superhero. I would strap on my Superman cape, gloves, beanie, and some ill-fashioned sword, so that I could race around to save the world. Who wouldn't want to be a superhero? They can do anything. They overcome the greatest odds and always come out on top. They possess great strength and courage. They are truthful. They are valiant. They are moralistic. They are, in many ways, what we all dream of being in our own lives. This is where we learn to try and do it all on our own.
I believe we all are meant for something greater than what we settle for, for lives that are far superior to our dreams. In the text, Paul talks about not aimlessly living, but forcing himself to be better, so that he doesn't disqualify himself from the very prize that he teaches about. If we aren't pushing ourselves to be greater every day, then we are settling for less than our capabilities, for less than we were meant to live for.
Above, I listed some of my faults. If I listed them all, you'd still be reading a super-depressing list. The truth is that none of these things define me. I have to place them in the rear-view of my life and press towards that awesome version of myself that exists on the road ahead. It takes work every day. But, I can not do it alone. I have placed my faith in someone far greater than me, who wants me to be what I was created for. Who would know my purpose better than the one who created me?
Stop trying to be a Superman or Superwoman. In this life, you will find that trouble abounds and when you allow God to handle it and lead you, it is a much easier road.
My failures continue to teach me that there is a better life than the one I live in. I can be better than all of those things. When I focus on what I can control in my life and leave the uncontrollable to God, I find the failures and shortcomings decrease. I find I'm happy. I find my heart headed in the right way. I find that those things I don't like about me are being changed into something better than I could dream. I'm shown flashes of who I really could be.
I fail so I know my life is better in God's strength. I get better and grow so I see Him at work in life, loving me through my failures. A creator creates that which He loves and takes joy in.
Do not go gentle.
Hebrews 12:1-13
Proverbs 4:26
2 Corinthians 4:7
I'm prideful. I'm selfish. I can be deceitful. I can be vindictive. I succumb to anger. I'm envious. I fail to uphold my word. I worry. I doubt. I judge. I hate. I lie. I hurt. I fail.
I'm a failure, and that's a beautiful thing.
All of these things are extremely hard to admit, and none are aspirations, but every one of them points towards the fact that I can not do anything on my own. I can only do so much to fix them in my life. Ultimately, I need someone to help me clean house in my life. My own strength only feeds the cycle.
Growing up, I always aspired to be a superhero. I would strap on my Superman cape, gloves, beanie, and some ill-fashioned sword, so that I could race around to save the world. Who wouldn't want to be a superhero? They can do anything. They overcome the greatest odds and always come out on top. They possess great strength and courage. They are truthful. They are valiant. They are moralistic. They are, in many ways, what we all dream of being in our own lives. This is where we learn to try and do it all on our own.
I believe we all are meant for something greater than what we settle for, for lives that are far superior to our dreams. In the text, Paul talks about not aimlessly living, but forcing himself to be better, so that he doesn't disqualify himself from the very prize that he teaches about. If we aren't pushing ourselves to be greater every day, then we are settling for less than our capabilities, for less than we were meant to live for.
Above, I listed some of my faults. If I listed them all, you'd still be reading a super-depressing list. The truth is that none of these things define me. I have to place them in the rear-view of my life and press towards that awesome version of myself that exists on the road ahead. It takes work every day. But, I can not do it alone. I have placed my faith in someone far greater than me, who wants me to be what I was created for. Who would know my purpose better than the one who created me?
Stop trying to be a Superman or Superwoman. In this life, you will find that trouble abounds and when you allow God to handle it and lead you, it is a much easier road.
My failures continue to teach me that there is a better life than the one I live in. I can be better than all of those things. When I focus on what I can control in my life and leave the uncontrollable to God, I find the failures and shortcomings decrease. I find I'm happy. I find my heart headed in the right way. I find that those things I don't like about me are being changed into something better than I could dream. I'm shown flashes of who I really could be.
I fail so I know my life is better in God's strength. I get better and grow so I see Him at work in life, loving me through my failures. A creator creates that which He loves and takes joy in.
Do not go gentle.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
control
When I look at the road ahead in my life, I can see countless trials and difficulties lying in wait. Even at the present moment, irritations and struggles are crouched in attack position, ready to devour me. What should I do?
Normally, my instincts take over and I do everything in my power to control all the situations, each hindrance as it comes. But, there comes a time when I can no longer fight, when I tire and curse the situation, when I doubt why I'm even on this road. The problem is the road I'm on is my own life.
We are not built to carry stress and to endure endless hardship, yet our ship is set afloat in treacherous waters. Most of the time, if you are doing something right, you meet the most trouble along the way. Why, you ask? Because our world is not inherently good. And evil doesn't approve of the triumphs of good. Searching your own heart, you know when your intentions are good.
I have recently learned (and I'm still learning) that I can not carry the weight of these burdens myself. In fact, they are not to be carried at all. When I try and control every aspect of my life, every time I am pulled down, crashing back to earth in defeat. The lesson: stop trying to control everything. Now, don't confuse relinquishing control with apathy. All of our lives have a purpose and we should be focused on their direction, but I'm talking about controlling all the irritants and trials along the way.
If your focus is on the struggle, you'll lose sight of the goal every time.
We are a ship at sea. All we have is a rudder and sails to help aide us in our direction. We can't look at the rough seas ahead and grow weary, we instead should focus on the light of the calm sea beyond the current storm. It is hope which should drive us, not control.
So, when you are overwhelmed, relinquish control. Lay your burdens down at the feet of God. He who can create from nothing, can heal any burden. Set your eyes on the road ahead and don't let the trappings of stress and the irritations of life derail you from who you are or where you are going.
Know yourself. Know your goal. Find peace.
Do not go gentle.
Matthew 11:28-30
Isaiah 53:4-6
Psalm 68:19
Galatians 6:2
Proverbs 16:32
James 4:1-2
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
the weight of words
Never underestimate the power of words. The little things spoken or written. Every phrase uttered into existence carries some weight to it. The harshest of words have the power to destroy and contaminate. The most uplifting words can build and create.
In my ever-shortening lifetime, I have seen the power of words create and destroy in my own life. I've seen people that I sincerely loved tear down everything around us with a careless word. I've hurt and broken with brash decisions and ill-timed words. All of that happens because we don't understand that words have value, even the ones unspoken. I'm learning that others are listening more than they lead on. Love resonates and heals even the darkest of hate.
Think on your words.
It is true that those closest to us will hurt us the most. They know us better than anyone else. We speak to them the most. Inevitably, the fragility of the human spirit relents to the chaos that surrounds us.
We don't intend to hurt, but our anger or hurt brims the cup of our life and we lash out. We hurt. When we hurt, our reactionary nature is to hurt back.
Our voice is far more powerful than we will understand. So, shouldn't we use our energy towards building something in this ever-crumbling world? Shouldn't we be more concerned with creating instead of destroying? Life is filled with fleeting moments that the hands of men will never be able to harness. And because of this we, whose very beings are wrapped in the frailty of life's grasp, should desire to uplift each other.
Let us unify instead of divide. Let us build instead of destroy. Love and truth are born in the small words, in the small things of life. What you speak constantly over your life, you ultimately live every day.
Do not go gentle.
Proverbs 10:31
1 Peter 2:15
Isaiah 6:1-8
Luke 12:34
Monday, December 9, 2013
frail
Convinced of my deception, I've always been a fool.
I fear this love reaction just like you said I would.
A rose could never lie about the love it brings
and I could never promise to e any of those things
If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broke and growing old
I would be..................
Blessed are the shallow at the depth they'll never find
seems to be some comfort in rooms I try to hide
Exposed beyond the shadows, you take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness, Your pain becomes my peace
If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broke and growing old
I would be..................frail.
Luke 12:34
Matthew 14:23-33
Proverbs 3:5-6
Psalm 9:10
John 15:13-17
Knowing who you are at the deepest and realest level requires letting go. It means accepting your faults. It means looking at yourself in a new light and laying those short-comings at the feet of the King. It means allowing Him to take full control of your life, a life lived without borders and restraints. It requires that which we are far too often ill-prepared to give up, our unwavering trust. Trust requires being frail.
I have often been unwilling to trust fully. I cling to things when I shouldn't. I make it about me and refuse to change, grasping at the things that I think I can control and working feverishly to make them do my bidding. Nothing of value is ever built that way.
Place yourself at the beach right now. You are standing with your toes just being nipped by the last push of each wave, as it crashes onto the shoreline. The breeze whips through your hair, and you close your eyes knowing that you are alive. In that serene place, where there are no stress levels and no driving frustrations, in that still small place where we can close our eyes and focus on just breathing and the wisps of freedom - that is where we belong, that is where we are to live. In our world though, we close our eyes and immediately we begin to fear and worry - the threat of rising tides or dangers lurking underneath the depths, waiting to devour us. That is not trust.
The book of Matthew tells of a time after Jesus miraculously fed the 5,000 with 5 loaves of bread and two fish, when he went up on a hill by himself to pray. The disciples were out on a boat in the lake (or sea, depending on your translation). When they were out there, He came out to them, walking on the water. At first they are afraid, but He speaks softly and tells them it is Him. Peter jumps up and asks to come out to Him. "Come", He responds. Peter climbs out and feels his way along the water, at first keeping his sight on Jesus. But, then the waves and the wind take his focus away and he realizes the perils that surround him. So, he begins to sink. Jesus reaches out and pulls him back up.
We are living in the hands of the Creator. Too often we doubt or worry because others doubt or worry. We allow ourselves to be projected into these fruitless things. When you are not trusting, you are allowing everything else to speak their "truths" into your life instead of the truth-filled, small voice of the Only One who can help you. He speaks peace. He speaks love. His words are Truth.
So, when the waters rise, keep your eyes closed, keep you heart focused, remember who you belong to. There is no wave he can not part, there is no danger that He can not overcome. Our finances, our dreams, our worries, our hearts, our plans - we have to give them all to Him. Hand over your schedule and let Him rewrite it. He is writing the story of our lives every day. And the story He is breathing into us rests with our hearts at peace wading into the deeper waters, walking out on the oceans as none can believe possible. This is how seas are parted, how nations are restored, how kings are healed, how love is born - out of the truth of full trust in a Savior, who was also our Creator, and who saw no other way to give us peace than to take the fall for our failures himself.
There is no greater love than that.
The very simple fact that in order to overcome our difficulties, we surrender. For we all surrender to something, make sure your heart bows to what is already victorious. He has already won.
Thank you Father for shaping me everyday. I fail all the time. This lesson is one that You are speaking into my spirit everyday. I'm not worthy of anything, yet you allow me to find peace, you call me again and again back to you. May I trust your guidance in all things. May control be only mentioned in the same breath as you. I lay all of me at your feet.
Listen to the song below. The words are just above. Close your eyes and pray. There is power in just the simple word - frail. It speaks of trust, of surrender, of the journey ahead. Be blessed.
The
I fear this love reaction just like you said I would.
A rose could never lie about the love it brings
and I could never promise to e any of those things
If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broke and growing old
I would be..................
Blessed are the shallow at the depth they'll never find
seems to be some comfort in rooms I try to hide
Exposed beyond the shadows, you take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness, Your pain becomes my peace
If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broke and growing old
I would be..................frail.
Luke 12:34
Matthew 14:23-33
Proverbs 3:5-6
Psalm 9:10
John 15:13-17
Knowing who you are at the deepest and realest level requires letting go. It means accepting your faults. It means looking at yourself in a new light and laying those short-comings at the feet of the King. It means allowing Him to take full control of your life, a life lived without borders and restraints. It requires that which we are far too often ill-prepared to give up, our unwavering trust. Trust requires being frail.
I have often been unwilling to trust fully. I cling to things when I shouldn't. I make it about me and refuse to change, grasping at the things that I think I can control and working feverishly to make them do my bidding. Nothing of value is ever built that way.
Place yourself at the beach right now. You are standing with your toes just being nipped by the last push of each wave, as it crashes onto the shoreline. The breeze whips through your hair, and you close your eyes knowing that you are alive. In that serene place, where there are no stress levels and no driving frustrations, in that still small place where we can close our eyes and focus on just breathing and the wisps of freedom - that is where we belong, that is where we are to live. In our world though, we close our eyes and immediately we begin to fear and worry - the threat of rising tides or dangers lurking underneath the depths, waiting to devour us. That is not trust.
The book of Matthew tells of a time after Jesus miraculously fed the 5,000 with 5 loaves of bread and two fish, when he went up on a hill by himself to pray. The disciples were out on a boat in the lake (or sea, depending on your translation). When they were out there, He came out to them, walking on the water. At first they are afraid, but He speaks softly and tells them it is Him. Peter jumps up and asks to come out to Him. "Come", He responds. Peter climbs out and feels his way along the water, at first keeping his sight on Jesus. But, then the waves and the wind take his focus away and he realizes the perils that surround him. So, he begins to sink. Jesus reaches out and pulls him back up.
We are living in the hands of the Creator. Too often we doubt or worry because others doubt or worry. We allow ourselves to be projected into these fruitless things. When you are not trusting, you are allowing everything else to speak their "truths" into your life instead of the truth-filled, small voice of the Only One who can help you. He speaks peace. He speaks love. His words are Truth.
So, when the waters rise, keep your eyes closed, keep you heart focused, remember who you belong to. There is no wave he can not part, there is no danger that He can not overcome. Our finances, our dreams, our worries, our hearts, our plans - we have to give them all to Him. Hand over your schedule and let Him rewrite it. He is writing the story of our lives every day. And the story He is breathing into us rests with our hearts at peace wading into the deeper waters, walking out on the oceans as none can believe possible. This is how seas are parted, how nations are restored, how kings are healed, how love is born - out of the truth of full trust in a Savior, who was also our Creator, and who saw no other way to give us peace than to take the fall for our failures himself.
There is no greater love than that.
The very simple fact that in order to overcome our difficulties, we surrender. For we all surrender to something, make sure your heart bows to what is already victorious. He has already won.
Thank you Father for shaping me everyday. I fail all the time. This lesson is one that You are speaking into my spirit everyday. I'm not worthy of anything, yet you allow me to find peace, you call me again and again back to you. May I trust your guidance in all things. May control be only mentioned in the same breath as you. I lay all of me at your feet.
Listen to the song below. The words are just above. Close your eyes and pray. There is power in just the simple word - frail. It speaks of trust, of surrender, of the journey ahead. Be blessed.
The
Sunday, October 20, 2013
discerning the toxic
I've recently been searching and asking to have a truly discerning spirit. It's not easy. There are trappings and judgement calls all over the place that are deceptive. But, something that I've come to learn is that if it doesn't push you closer to God and, more than that, God's call on your life, it is toxic. This goes for relationships, jobs, friends, etc.
Think for a moment, you may have that person in your life that makes you feel special and speaks awesome things into your life, but you have that project or talent that you lay down when they are around. And, when it comes down to it and you may know in your heart that they are not a part of that project or talent, it doesn't mean they are bad, it means they have to go. Harsh, I know.
God calls us to seek first His kingdom and His righteousness. Too often these days, as people become more and more uneasy being alone, we rush into relationships to mask our own insecurities. Then, we force them to work by trashing parts of us that offend or distract us from the other person. Why would you throw away your God-given talent or calling for someone else? That is the definition of a distraction.
This is why a discerning spirit is needed. This life is littered with trappings of glittery things. I've come to realize that a simple question helps to discern these things in your life: does this make me the very best version of myself? No one can serve two masters (Matthew 6:24).
So, I encourage you today to break of the trappings of a complacent and ill-fated life. Look at those around you. Do they honestly point you towards the calling in your life? Do they make you the best version of yourself? If you can answer those positively, then look at the other areas that may hold you back. Life is not meant to be easy. Life is meant to be lived unhindered and unbridled. Live all out, running the best race you can. You are not promised tomorrow, so make today count.
Do not go gentle.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
the road back
I have been looking through a lot of past blog posts and old writings and things lately. I guess being on the brink of some major changes does have you take a moment to reflect on the road that lies in your rear view. There lots of memories and words that hold extremely different meanings for me now. I am changed. I will never be who I was ten years ago, or 5, or a month ago. And that is awesome. If we are not changing and growing, then we are stagnant and devoid of life.
As I was rummaging through my old things, I found something that I had almost forgotten about. It is not old, just from last year. But, I find myself listening to it and remembering exactly where I was and how I felt then. A rush of emotion that makes me really appreciate the ocean of my future that I am just dipping my toes into now. It is a song that I wrote for a movie I worked on last year. I won't go into details of my surroundings then, but I can hear the longing for change in my voice. It is not the Oscar winner, but I am glad it exists out there in the universe to help me be thankful for the road behind me, and to be excited for the journey ahead.
As C.S. Lewis wrote, "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind."
So, I hope you enjoy "Long, Dark Road". It holds a place in my heart for not just reflecting on where I've been, but also the horizon that I am now pressing towards.
As I was rummaging through my old things, I found something that I had almost forgotten about. It is not old, just from last year. But, I find myself listening to it and remembering exactly where I was and how I felt then. A rush of emotion that makes me really appreciate the ocean of my future that I am just dipping my toes into now. It is a song that I wrote for a movie I worked on last year. I won't go into details of my surroundings then, but I can hear the longing for change in my voice. It is not the Oscar winner, but I am glad it exists out there in the universe to help me be thankful for the road behind me, and to be excited for the journey ahead.
As C.S. Lewis wrote, "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind."
So, I hope you enjoy "Long, Dark Road". It holds a place in my heart for not just reflecting on where I've been, but also the horizon that I am now pressing towards.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
almost being alive
I've always found music to be one of the best therapists that you could ever hope for. No matter what is going on, there is a song for that moment. And the very existence of that song means that someone, somewhere went through some of the same joy or pain as you. It's a beautiful, universally connective thing. There is nothing more unifying to me than going to a concert and standing in a sweaty cluster in the middle of a warehouse, singing my guts out with some complete strangers. For a few fleeting moments, there are no differences between any of you. There is no conflict. Just beautiful strains of poetry passing your lips as you reflect on the simple fact that you are alive.
Often, there is no other way for me to express what I'm feeling than to put it into a song. Granted, most of these songs never make it past the walls of my room, but they serve their purpose.
A couple of years ago one of my good friends and I were in a little acoustic, indie-rock outfit. We just played a few small shows around our local community. One day, we were trying to write some new songs to play at an upcoming show. Morgan, my bandmate, asked me if there was anything I wanted to write about. It was silly, but I had been having these reoccurring dreams that I couldn't figure out.
In the dream, I was walking down a quiet, dark road at night. I was carrying luggage and my guitar case in my hand. Lining the road were these nice, older houses that had all of their lights off, except for porch lights. I kept walking up the road, minding my own business, intently making my way towards an empty train stop platform. Every few minutes, I would check my watch and look over my back, as if I was anticipating no longer being the only person around anymore. I climbed the stairs of the train platform and set my stuff down, still looking around somewhat anxiously. Suddenly, I look up and see the train blowing into the stop. Despite it's loud approach, the entire place still felt empty and silent. I look around one more time, let out an exasperated sigh, grab my stuff and board the train headed out of this quiet hell.
When I finished telling the story to Morgan, I remember her kindly smiling and saying "You're not alone. You've got us, silly." Her and her husband, Si, are two of the raddest, kindest people in existence. I'm beyond lucky to know them.
We sat and talked about the dream for a while. I like to akin the whole thing to the fact that, as long as I can remember, I have been searching for the right person to meet me at the train stop. But it also shows that I'm not afraid to get on that train alone. I suppose in life, we have no choice in the matter. My senior English teacher called me a 'hopeless romantic'. How poetic. If she only knew how right she was.
What I realized through this is we aren't meant to be alone in this life, but you have to be willing to go into the fray on your own. It's a mind over matter type of thing. Your heart is going to cry out for fear of loneliness, but your mind has to treat it as a wound that can be overcome. Some people are going to be blessed enough to walk to that train station hand-in-hand with the one they are meant to take the journey with, others won't.
We titled the song, that came from that discussion, Carbonesque - meaning having the same characteristics of life. I like to think it is because the dream, that still comes around from time to time, is a personal challenge. If you had to go through this world alone, would you quit walking or would you gather your things, breathe, and step forward into the unknown?
Here is the song. I hope you enjoy it.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
into the fray
When I was little, my dad made sure that I had the privilege of playing little league baseball. I wasn't ever the biggest kid, so in many respects, it was the sport I could play without getting too hurt (at least, that was the thought).
As I grew up in the game and the other kids were allowed to pitch, the game that I enjoyed playing (a.k.a. - picking dandelions, rolling in the dirt (because your uniform has to be dirty to prove you have played), etc.) took on a very different and frightening role. Now, a trustworthy coach wasn't lobbing pitches over the plate for you to hit them, some wild-eyed, crazy-haired kid, that you knew as the school bully, was flinging a hard, leather-wrapped ball directly at your head for fun. At least, that's what it initially felt like.
Eventually, the fear of taking a good, old-fashioned beanball to the dome was not the first thing on my mind every time. As time passed, I began to love the game again. The smell of the freshly-cut grass, the sun beating down, the thrill of being a part of something that is bigger than you, and striving for a fleeting moment of glory - it's all part of the game. I think on those fields, early in my life, was were I learned confidence, but I also learned how to hurt and to take defeat.
I was notorious for being so upset about striking out or making a bad play, that I would burst into tears. It wasn't a selfish act, I honestly would be distraught over letting my team down. Sure, I wanted to personally succeed, but I also feel like the game of baseball gives itself over to a team effort. A well-placed hit or diving play may salvage that last moment and give the team a victory, but there are 9 innings of intense moments that lead to the end, and they all have to fall into exactly the right place.
This is why baseball is just like our lives.
We are all striving for something, and we may be scared to death of what may come next, but the only way that we can hope for success is to stand in there, plant our feet, trust ourselves, and swing away. Plus, life is always much more purposeful when it is about more than you. Taking on the purpose of bettering society, providing for a family, giving someone hope - these are all the types of things we need to invite into our lives - I know I do.
Recent events have made me afraid of stepping up to the plate in some areas of my life. The imposing thought of failure likes to try and stop me from even getting ready to take a swing. I know better, but the heart is fragile and it needs a pep-talk every now and then.
I had a movie recommended to me by a friend, that kind of took me by surprise. It was the movie, The Grey. Now, this is not a movie to watch if you are in need of a pick-me-up. It is definitely a downer-type of movie, but it poses some very amazing questions about our own feeble existence. I won't break down the plot for you, but there is a pretty incredible scene I want to describe. Liam Neeson has just been through hell basically, with a companion just dying in his arms. He collapses on the snowy bank of river, completely ready to give up, and stares up to the sky. He calls out with most of his fleeting energy, "Show me something! If you give me anything, I'll believe in you for the rest of my days!". The sky continues to pour snow on him, as he sits there alone in silence. In this moment, after what he has been through, he has every right to quit. Just sit there on that snowy bank and let his breathing slow, let hypothermia take over and let death come - the only thing that is certain to arrive. But, then he does what most would not, he stands back up. He begins to move with purpose back into the woods, in a hopeless quest to find shelter, to find hope. So, I ask you, what drives us off the banks of our lives, when we should quit?
Take your feet. Step up. Swing away.
As I grew up in the game and the other kids were allowed to pitch, the game that I enjoyed playing (a.k.a. - picking dandelions, rolling in the dirt (because your uniform has to be dirty to prove you have played), etc.) took on a very different and frightening role. Now, a trustworthy coach wasn't lobbing pitches over the plate for you to hit them, some wild-eyed, crazy-haired kid, that you knew as the school bully, was flinging a hard, leather-wrapped ball directly at your head for fun. At least, that's what it initially felt like.
Eventually, the fear of taking a good, old-fashioned beanball to the dome was not the first thing on my mind every time. As time passed, I began to love the game again. The smell of the freshly-cut grass, the sun beating down, the thrill of being a part of something that is bigger than you, and striving for a fleeting moment of glory - it's all part of the game. I think on those fields, early in my life, was were I learned confidence, but I also learned how to hurt and to take defeat.
I was notorious for being so upset about striking out or making a bad play, that I would burst into tears. It wasn't a selfish act, I honestly would be distraught over letting my team down. Sure, I wanted to personally succeed, but I also feel like the game of baseball gives itself over to a team effort. A well-placed hit or diving play may salvage that last moment and give the team a victory, but there are 9 innings of intense moments that lead to the end, and they all have to fall into exactly the right place.
This is why baseball is just like our lives.
We are all striving for something, and we may be scared to death of what may come next, but the only way that we can hope for success is to stand in there, plant our feet, trust ourselves, and swing away. Plus, life is always much more purposeful when it is about more than you. Taking on the purpose of bettering society, providing for a family, giving someone hope - these are all the types of things we need to invite into our lives - I know I do.
Recent events have made me afraid of stepping up to the plate in some areas of my life. The imposing thought of failure likes to try and stop me from even getting ready to take a swing. I know better, but the heart is fragile and it needs a pep-talk every now and then.
I had a movie recommended to me by a friend, that kind of took me by surprise. It was the movie, The Grey. Now, this is not a movie to watch if you are in need of a pick-me-up. It is definitely a downer-type of movie, but it poses some very amazing questions about our own feeble existence. I won't break down the plot for you, but there is a pretty incredible scene I want to describe. Liam Neeson has just been through hell basically, with a companion just dying in his arms. He collapses on the snowy bank of river, completely ready to give up, and stares up to the sky. He calls out with most of his fleeting energy, "Show me something! If you give me anything, I'll believe in you for the rest of my days!". The sky continues to pour snow on him, as he sits there alone in silence. In this moment, after what he has been through, he has every right to quit. Just sit there on that snowy bank and let his breathing slow, let hypothermia take over and let death come - the only thing that is certain to arrive. But, then he does what most would not, he stands back up. He begins to move with purpose back into the woods, in a hopeless quest to find shelter, to find hope. So, I ask you, what drives us off the banks of our lives, when we should quit?
Take your feet. Step up. Swing away.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
focus
I have a condition with my eyes which causes things that are at a distance to never fully come into focus. Internally, the rods and cones in my eyes have softened and left my vision at distances just a shade off. Because of this, it is easy to lose the definition of the horizon. When you lose sight of what you are striving for, you lose who you really are.
In everything that I do, I desire to be the best. I honestly believe that if your ambition only wants second place, then you might as well be last. Given the natural order of things, this is not possible. Anger, self-loathing, fear - they all lend themselves to be millstones around the necks of my goals. It does seem foolish to beat yourself up or listen to the voices of others who you might not even respect, but regardless of your resolve, everyone does to some extent.
So, focus. It is what defines us. Through the waves and breakers of life, the true tale of oneself is that fleeting moment where you decide whether or not to continue on course. Regardless of any anger that rages inside or what the voices around you are saying about you, you push forward. You narrow your eyes to focus on the muddied horizon. No matter what happens, never lose sight of who you are. At our truest core, no one will ever be able to truly define us. So, keep running the race for you. Not for anyone else. The only person that can stop the race to your dreams is you.
I needed to hear that.
In everything that I do, I desire to be the best. I honestly believe that if your ambition only wants second place, then you might as well be last. Given the natural order of things, this is not possible. Anger, self-loathing, fear - they all lend themselves to be millstones around the necks of my goals. It does seem foolish to beat yourself up or listen to the voices of others who you might not even respect, but regardless of your resolve, everyone does to some extent.
So, focus. It is what defines us. Through the waves and breakers of life, the true tale of oneself is that fleeting moment where you decide whether or not to continue on course. Regardless of any anger that rages inside or what the voices around you are saying about you, you push forward. You narrow your eyes to focus on the muddied horizon. No matter what happens, never lose sight of who you are. At our truest core, no one will ever be able to truly define us. So, keep running the race for you. Not for anyone else. The only person that can stop the race to your dreams is you.
I needed to hear that.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Jessica
I suppose it is beyond time that I stop putting off writing about this time in my life. My words will pale in comparison, but what happened, shaped me into who I am. What follows is just a fraction of what I can spell out about a friend who made me see life in a whole new light.
The moments in my mind are unforgettable glimpses - the road back home as we wrote what would be my very first song; her last hug; the phone call; the way a room that is filled with so many familiar faces can feel so empty.
One summer, I had the opportunity to work at my church with my friends. I would hardly call it work. We went on trips, played music together and just hung out like life was carefree. My friend, Jessica, was a major part of that group. She's easily the most compassionate person that I have ever known. No one was ever left out with her around. Her unique style and laugh were unmistakeable. She was a classic case of someone who's personality makes them completely irreplaceable in your life.
This particular summer, I had begun trying to write songs of my own and find who I was as a musician. Since she had been a singer for most of her life, Jessica liked to help me work on songs and encourage me to write what I truly felt. It's hard to stay too serious in the writing mode when you are laughing at a rhyme scheme that includes the words "on that shore" and "oh, we're poor". Those first few attempts were pretty ridiculous, but they made me a better person, or at least one who doesn't have to take himself too seriously.
On my birthday, my friends threw me a pretty awesome party. Nothing too fancy, just a few of us hanging out and laughing by the lake. I remember the mood changing when Jessica handed me my birthday card. In her normal fashion, it was painstakingly handmade. She had cut out all these tiny words and placed them all over the front of an orange piece of construction paper. Each word was a defining characteristic of me. It's truly an eye-opening moment when someone knows you better than you do yourself. I still carry the card around with me to this day in my guitar case.
The sad part, in the words of Robert Frost, is that nothing gold can stay. I have often thought that some people reach beyond what they were meant to do on this earth, so their absence is a catalyst for others to stop relying on them and spread their wings. That's how this feels anyway.
We were returning from a trip - singing, laughing, telling stories and creating memories by the second. As we neared home, I put the finishing touches on the lyrics to a song, my first full composition. I remember excitedly playing it for a small group once we arrived. Jessica came over and hugged me and told me how proud she was. Others applauded, but I think I valued her praise the most. That moment felt like the beginning of something great and maybe it was. After that, she got in her car, waved and disappeared on the horizon.
I was physically and emotionally drained from the week-long trip and just wanted to relax. Once I got home, the 'rents were curious of my travels, but I was content to indulge in a few moments of sloth. Those moments were short-lived. The phone interrupted any chance of rest I had. On the other end of the line, my youth minister's voice trembled under the weight of his words. The only ones I remember were "There was an accident and Jessica's in the hospital." My dad immediately sensed my distress and loaded me in the car. Simultaneously, the drive felt like it took forever, but we were there before I could think too much. When we arrived, the waiting room was already half-full of familiar faces, all wearing their unease on their sleeves. No one really said much, just hugged each other and offered up feigned words of encouragement. In moments like that, there is nothing you can say.
Jessica had suffered a severe head trauma and only her brain stem maintained activity. That first night, several of us slept on the floor of the ICU waiting room. I remember holding myself together pretty well until I had a moment to speak with her dad. Given the circumstances that his only daughter lay helplessly clinging to a fraction of life, he could still manage to remind you where Jessica got her compassion from. He placed his hands on my shoulders and tried to reassure me. "No matter what happens, it is meant to happen." What calm from a man who stood to lose more than any of us.
Once Jessica's dad and I had shared some words and some sincere silence, I made my way back down the seemingly endless hallway to the waiting room. Some of our friends were quietly sitting around talking, waiting, reminiscing. My composure was gone. I had to get away and get away fast. I locked the door to the ICU bathroom. As I slid down the wall, I could feel the warm tears fill my eyes. I think I knew right then how this was all going to end.
The thing about our hearts is that they want so badly to control the ebb and flow of our world. For some fleeting moments, we almost feel like we can. We convince ourselves that everything will be alright. If something bad happens, it will undo itself and place our hearts back to rest. Unfortunately, the moments that we can not control - the moments that our hearts break - those are the times where we are made the most complete. Not that we are made to endure awful times, but because in the weakness of losing control, we learn who we really are.
After two weeks of restless nights sleeping on the ICU waiting room floor, Jessica's parents made the difficult decision of taking her off of life support. Every doctor that they consulted had told them the machines that she was on were the only things that were keeping her alive. She would never be that lovable, free-spirited person again.
The night I was allowed in to say goodbye was one of the most difficult nights of my life. She laid there so peaceful and quiet - almost as if she would awake from rest at any moment. Her golden hair resting as a crown on her head. Her every breath ticking on a screen in the corner. As I took my seat next to her, I took hold of her hand. Every second and every breath felt surreal. I was not myself and my selfish heart wanted to believe in none of the passing moments. I wanted her to stay, for everything to go back to the way it was before. Maybe that's why each moment is so precious - there will never be another one like it again, so we should cherish each and every one of them. I sat engulfed in my own silence as the nurses and doctors carried on in their normal fashion. The awareness of my own beating heart, driving forward each moment of my life, was weighing heavy in my throat. Her dainty hand sat in mine as her heartbeat faintly held on. All that I could do was think about what used to be.
A friend of mine - who am I kidding, he's my brother - has a sign that hangs in his kitchen with the Dr. Seuss quote, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." If we could all approach life like that, we would all be happier people.
The next week, we gathered around to say goodbye to Jessica. The wind whipped through the trees as we watched what remained of our friend lowered into the earth. In my own little world, I stood for a while as the crowd dwindled down, reflecting on the whirlwind my life had become. A few weeks ago, none of this would even have been a faint flicker in my mind, but here I stood replaying moments that passed too quickly. That late summer breeze was my reminder that I still had things to accomplish and that no matter what came next, I was to push forward.
The harsh reality of life is sometimes we lose exactly what we need so that we will rise to be better than we were. Somewhere along the way, we become complacent and movement is needed. As much as it breaks our hearts, our walls must come down.
Jessica taught me to love everyone, no matter the cost - something that I am constantly wrestling with. She also taught me that, no matter where you are in life, you can change the world.
Thank you for the lesson. I love you and, one day, I hope we share the dance I promised you when I said goodbye.
The moments in my mind are unforgettable glimpses - the road back home as we wrote what would be my very first song; her last hug; the phone call; the way a room that is filled with so many familiar faces can feel so empty.
One summer, I had the opportunity to work at my church with my friends. I would hardly call it work. We went on trips, played music together and just hung out like life was carefree. My friend, Jessica, was a major part of that group. She's easily the most compassionate person that I have ever known. No one was ever left out with her around. Her unique style and laugh were unmistakeable. She was a classic case of someone who's personality makes them completely irreplaceable in your life.
This particular summer, I had begun trying to write songs of my own and find who I was as a musician. Since she had been a singer for most of her life, Jessica liked to help me work on songs and encourage me to write what I truly felt. It's hard to stay too serious in the writing mode when you are laughing at a rhyme scheme that includes the words "on that shore" and "oh, we're poor". Those first few attempts were pretty ridiculous, but they made me a better person, or at least one who doesn't have to take himself too seriously.
On my birthday, my friends threw me a pretty awesome party. Nothing too fancy, just a few of us hanging out and laughing by the lake. I remember the mood changing when Jessica handed me my birthday card. In her normal fashion, it was painstakingly handmade. She had cut out all these tiny words and placed them all over the front of an orange piece of construction paper. Each word was a defining characteristic of me. It's truly an eye-opening moment when someone knows you better than you do yourself. I still carry the card around with me to this day in my guitar case.
The sad part, in the words of Robert Frost, is that nothing gold can stay. I have often thought that some people reach beyond what they were meant to do on this earth, so their absence is a catalyst for others to stop relying on them and spread their wings. That's how this feels anyway.
We were returning from a trip - singing, laughing, telling stories and creating memories by the second. As we neared home, I put the finishing touches on the lyrics to a song, my first full composition. I remember excitedly playing it for a small group once we arrived. Jessica came over and hugged me and told me how proud she was. Others applauded, but I think I valued her praise the most. That moment felt like the beginning of something great and maybe it was. After that, she got in her car, waved and disappeared on the horizon.
I was physically and emotionally drained from the week-long trip and just wanted to relax. Once I got home, the 'rents were curious of my travels, but I was content to indulge in a few moments of sloth. Those moments were short-lived. The phone interrupted any chance of rest I had. On the other end of the line, my youth minister's voice trembled under the weight of his words. The only ones I remember were "There was an accident and Jessica's in the hospital." My dad immediately sensed my distress and loaded me in the car. Simultaneously, the drive felt like it took forever, but we were there before I could think too much. When we arrived, the waiting room was already half-full of familiar faces, all wearing their unease on their sleeves. No one really said much, just hugged each other and offered up feigned words of encouragement. In moments like that, there is nothing you can say.
Jessica had suffered a severe head trauma and only her brain stem maintained activity. That first night, several of us slept on the floor of the ICU waiting room. I remember holding myself together pretty well until I had a moment to speak with her dad. Given the circumstances that his only daughter lay helplessly clinging to a fraction of life, he could still manage to remind you where Jessica got her compassion from. He placed his hands on my shoulders and tried to reassure me. "No matter what happens, it is meant to happen." What calm from a man who stood to lose more than any of us.
Once Jessica's dad and I had shared some words and some sincere silence, I made my way back down the seemingly endless hallway to the waiting room. Some of our friends were quietly sitting around talking, waiting, reminiscing. My composure was gone. I had to get away and get away fast. I locked the door to the ICU bathroom. As I slid down the wall, I could feel the warm tears fill my eyes. I think I knew right then how this was all going to end.
The thing about our hearts is that they want so badly to control the ebb and flow of our world. For some fleeting moments, we almost feel like we can. We convince ourselves that everything will be alright. If something bad happens, it will undo itself and place our hearts back to rest. Unfortunately, the moments that we can not control - the moments that our hearts break - those are the times where we are made the most complete. Not that we are made to endure awful times, but because in the weakness of losing control, we learn who we really are.
After two weeks of restless nights sleeping on the ICU waiting room floor, Jessica's parents made the difficult decision of taking her off of life support. Every doctor that they consulted had told them the machines that she was on were the only things that were keeping her alive. She would never be that lovable, free-spirited person again.
The night I was allowed in to say goodbye was one of the most difficult nights of my life. She laid there so peaceful and quiet - almost as if she would awake from rest at any moment. Her golden hair resting as a crown on her head. Her every breath ticking on a screen in the corner. As I took my seat next to her, I took hold of her hand. Every second and every breath felt surreal. I was not myself and my selfish heart wanted to believe in none of the passing moments. I wanted her to stay, for everything to go back to the way it was before. Maybe that's why each moment is so precious - there will never be another one like it again, so we should cherish each and every one of them. I sat engulfed in my own silence as the nurses and doctors carried on in their normal fashion. The awareness of my own beating heart, driving forward each moment of my life, was weighing heavy in my throat. Her dainty hand sat in mine as her heartbeat faintly held on. All that I could do was think about what used to be.
A friend of mine - who am I kidding, he's my brother - has a sign that hangs in his kitchen with the Dr. Seuss quote, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." If we could all approach life like that, we would all be happier people.
The next week, we gathered around to say goodbye to Jessica. The wind whipped through the trees as we watched what remained of our friend lowered into the earth. In my own little world, I stood for a while as the crowd dwindled down, reflecting on the whirlwind my life had become. A few weeks ago, none of this would even have been a faint flicker in my mind, but here I stood replaying moments that passed too quickly. That late summer breeze was my reminder that I still had things to accomplish and that no matter what came next, I was to push forward.
The harsh reality of life is sometimes we lose exactly what we need so that we will rise to be better than we were. Somewhere along the way, we become complacent and movement is needed. As much as it breaks our hearts, our walls must come down.
Jessica taught me to love everyone, no matter the cost - something that I am constantly wrestling with. She also taught me that, no matter where you are in life, you can change the world.
Thank you for the lesson. I love you and, one day, I hope we share the dance I promised you when I said goodbye.
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