Saturday, December 4, 2010

fear and loving in the desert

I'm petrified.

Not because there is a monster under my bed or anything. I don't think...*peaks swiftly under the mattress*....Nope. All clear. Whew.

I'm shaking in my boots because I have the warning signs of a feeling that I have not had in quite some time. Something that wells deep within my being. Causes color to flood my face and random series of plans to intermittenly race through my now twitchy mind.

It could be sickness, because it affects my stomach. It could be the funk. Who knows.

I realized these symptoms at a show I was playing tonight. I am normally seized with some varying forms of nervousness before a show, but this was completely different. It happened immediately after a show. Typically, my nerves and whatever forms of shaking have subsided after a show. The tense feeling leaves my body. My shoulders usually relax. Not this time.

All of these symptoms happened as soon as she walked out of the shadows.

Yes, even though I am extremely hesitant to put it into words, I felt the tsunami effects of love attempt to shut down my system.

It wasn't pre-planned at all. I didn't even know she was coming. Not that I have felt this way before. I have wondered about her, but tonight was totally different.

I may have felt this way because some small part of me felt a strong sense that she might have come just to see me. Perhaps, she drove the 30 extra blocks out of her way to be there. Perhaps, it was just a happy coincidence. But, then all of this drivel would just be the random typing of a heart that has forgotten what love feels like.

I like to believe that I still remember.

The terror in all of this comes from the reality of accepting how I feel. When you admit to yourself that you are in love, it becomes real. It festers into a living, breathing entity that consumes all of you. At least the hopeless romantic in me believes this to be so.

So, world/internet/trembling soul, I am in love with her. She doesn't know it yet. I want her to know. I hope I get the chance and have the ability to tell her/show her.

She isn't what I would have outright picked for myself. Seems my tastes the past few years have been about convenience and circumstances. This feeling is the culmination of realizing that this love might actually be worth pursuing. She is worth laying my heart on the line. She is worth standing on the hood of my car, doing my best John Cusack impersonation. I know she has been hurt in the past. I can see it in her eyes. I know that she has baggage and circumstances that are not like my dreams, but all of this makes her perfect.

I hope I do it right. If my heart is speaking clearly for the first time, I am finally on the right track. I was finally in the right place. I might have found the rest of me. As heavy as that is, I am starting to believe it might be true.

I'm terrified.

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