timing

I held the back of her head and laid her in the bed
And watched the sheets raise and fall to the rhythm of her breath
Turn the lock on the handle and slipped down the stairs
To the cover of the night with diamonds in the air

Softly in my head, I could hear the Mat Kearney song playing out the scene before me. This moment was so familiar and fleeting - her eyes closing softly; the flicker of the alarm clock; moonlight through the window; the long, reflective drive home.

I think this was the night I finally knew it was over as I crept down stairs. There are just some things in life that are not built to last.

I won't bore you with the details because everyone goes through a similar scenario - fall in love, be inseparable, someone starts to lose interest, cheats, can never be trusted again. See?

Actually, I hope you never go through it. Especially if you are the one still in love, while the other is out ruining your ability to trust anyone again. But, there is a lesson to be learned. 

Somewhere in the frailty of our own hearts, there exists a regenerative power to trust and to love beyond all else. When it gets wounded, we retract and run away from anything that could put us at risk of being hurt again. Our response is to remove every similar situation and possibility. The problem is we remove the heart's chance to truly trust and love again. 

I mean, the girl I loved hurt me, but, as naive as it may sound, the next girl is not her. Give yourself a chance to heal, but also give yourself a chance to feel as you once did again. 

True love is something that uses the scars of the past to make a palace for your future.

Corny, sure it is. But, it is also true. 

only in dreams

A conversation that I overheard reminded me of how fragile dreams are.

Our poetic minds paint these transcendent landscapes of kingdoms and conquests that are all ours. We rise from our slumber renewed at the simple thought of something that we want, that we desire. Hope of a better future - of being someone better, beyond ourselves - has a way of making hurricanes of us all, as long as we believe it. Even the most complacent of souls will stand for something they hold dear. And having that hope means sacrifice.

This past fall, I left complacency. I left behind happiness and a place - both physically and mentally - that I could have stayed and been alright with. But, in this life, being "alright" should never be enough. Each fleeting breath is more precious than the last. And the moments that define us, those are the moments that are written in the silence between those fragile breaths and dreams.

Dare to be greater than you believe that you can. Do not be afraid of the grandeur of your own dreams, for those are merely images of the vast potential within our own souls.

I leave you with this, a personal driving phrase from the pen of Dylan Thomas,

"Do not go gentle into that good night".

from here to the next moment

A sensitive heart - one that every heartbeat treads softly upon each passing moment - is a heaven and hell of existence. All too often I have lived, suspended, between the intertwined passageways of someone else's feelings, falling beyond the depths of pain that they feel or even expected to feel, and, conversely, soaring a bit too high upon moments fixed with glass ceilings. Those days are past.

I sit here tonight nostalgically recalling glimpses of my past through a musical tide of songs - songs that understood those moments better than I did. One that sticks out is Sowing Season by Brand New. Within the strains of Jesse Lacey's voice, I can see precise moments and re-experience those exact feelings. The night drive in the mountains, shouting unlearned lyrics into each curve of the fleeting highway, feeling the sense of rejection drown in guitar riffs and yelled choruses - the healing power of song is immeasurable.

I won't bore you with the details of this story, but I thought I would share a song that, even in it's simplest affirming parts, was freeing to my soul. May music meet you where you are.

Is it in you now?
To watch the things you gave your life to broken
And stoop then build them up with worn out tools

the long road

I sit here at Sky Harbor about to board a flight that will take me through Denver and, thusly, onward to the place I call home once more, Atlanta. In this moment, it seems so odd how I've ended up here. It feels as if life has been a constant blur of passing trains and departing flights. There are no regrets felt for the decisions that I have made over the last year, just a wonder over what is to come.

This morning as I packed my bags, my friend's daughter, Madeleine, stealthy crept into the room and started to dig into her piggy bank of chocolates. Curious, I allowed her to continue her little spy mission and waited to see what she was planning. She finished rifling through her bank of treats and turned to me and held out her hand. "Here," she whispered. "I want you to have these to remember me by. You'll need a snack on the plane and these are for you."

Needless to say, I feel blessed to have such love in my life. I have great friends all over this country that I would do anything for. Madeleine's sacrifice is very telling of how gracious these friends have been and continue to be. I suppose this long overdue post is for all of you who I hold dear to me. All I can offer are words. I appreciate every one of you. Thank you for being who you are. Whether you give up sleeping in to drive me all over the place, or made a little extra dinner to take care of me, or send well-wishes as I try to figure out where I belong, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It is truly good to know that friendship can be the family and the hope that you need.

So, before I ramble on too long, I just want you all to know that I appreciate you. The road of life is long, I'm glad to share it with you. We will laugh together again soon.

taking the stage

This past Saturday night, I had the distinct privilege of being a guest monologist at The Torch Theatre. If you missed it for some reason, you definitely missed out. I had a great time, as I always do whenever I attend a Torch event. These are some of the best people in the Valley.

See, The Torch Theatre consists of some people who honestly care about this community. They are involved in helping this city grow to it's greatest potential. Phoenix, you are blessed to have them.

So, make sure that you don't take them lightly or forget about them. Support them. Go to a show regularly. Perhaps give them a hug. You have the opportunity to enrich your city by supporting people who care, and also people who can make you laugh so you forget that it is a million degrees outside.

Thanks to Jose Gonzalez, Nina Miller, Bill Binder, Mack Duncan and everyone else involved in The Torch Theatre. You guys make living in this valley an honor.

Here is the video of my 15 minutes in the limelight.

The Neighborhood August 6th, 2011 from The Torch Theatre on Vimeo.

The PHX bucket list

I suppose it is time that I "let the cat out of the bag." I am moving to Atlanta this fall for a job.

I have had a rough time the past year and a half, as the recession has taken its toll on all of us. The most troubling thing has been trying to find my purpose. Some people search for jobs, some for fame, and others for purpose. I am the latter. I can't be happy on this planet doing something menial. It must have substance and value. Money is acceptable, but money without purpose is meaningless to me.

So, I say all that to say, I believe I have found my calling. I am taking a job working in the film industry. I know that sounds like a fame-seeking role, and perhaps it does serve that, but I truly believe it is a calling. I would one day love to join the ranks of J.J. Abrams, Christopher Nolan and Peter Jackson, and be a visual storyteller for generations. That is my dream.

I feel the most responsible way to pursue this is to work my way up from the bottom, write scripts, and learn every angle of the industry. If they need an amazing lighting guy, then I will become that. If a great coffee maker is required, i'll learn to brew it the best. Whatever is needed, I want to be the best at it. For the first time in a decade, I feel completely motivated to succeed.

This job does change some things that I had intended to do future-wise: move to Portland in the spring, camp at the base of the Grand Canyon, etc. So, I feel it prudent to post a list of things that I would like to do before my time is up in the Valley. I welcome your help.

So, before I leave for ATL in October, here are some things (some more grandiose than others) that I would love to do before I go:

1) hike the Grand Canyon rim to rim again
2) visit Tombstone like a gawking tourist should
3) gorge myself at Liberty Market for dinner (perhaps multiple times)
4) spend a night in Hotel Congress
5) record a song with a great PHX music guru (Bob Hoag, Jim Adkins, etc.)
6) climb Squaw Peak and Camelback in the same day
7) take a boat ride on Tempe Town Lake
8) play a show at The Rhythm Room
9) spend a day working at Gangplank and at CoHoots
10) get my first tattoo to remind me of the change this place has made in me
11) grab a beer with Zack
12) watch all Harry Potter movies with Ms. Herr

I am so grateful to have lived in Phoenix while I have. I have made some of the best friends that I have ever had in my life here. Despite the hard times, I have been more blessed than I ever could have imagined. For me, life is measured in great moments, and by that measure, Phoenix has given me a full glass.

So, thank you to all of you who have shared my journey into the desert. I'm sure there will be more posts about this, but I wanted to share a list that is growing of what must be done before I leave. Feel free to add to it.

products of disarray

All to often it seems, we get so caught up in our own little worlds, that we barely notice others are existing around us. We are all guilty of it - myself included.

Recently, I had my eyes opened when I shared a conversation with an acquaintance. See, after you share those dark moments of the past with someone, you cease to be acquaintances. Once you let down your defenses, you are visible for what you really are. The problem that this creates is that we are so guarded of our fragile hearts, we run at the slightest offering of someone who wants to know us.

I remember sitting on my best friend's porch in high school and talking until it was well past time for me to be home. Despite the mild lashing I received for being out past curfew, those conversations were where we became friends. You tend to be more honest in one-on-one conversation with someone who is aiding you in getting into trouble.

The conversation with a former acquaintance was eye-opening as we shared the details of our respective upbringings. While they were different, each tale seemed to have a way of helping us see how our childhoods had shaped us. And for the good that the pain brought. For it truly seems that what we call disarray has a funny way of preparing us for the future. The past is an inadvertent teacher.

I've had some moments in life (which I will share in some later posts) that have ripped my heart from my chest, but years later that painful memory prepared me for the onslaught that is growing up. Also, I've had some strenuous friendships and relationships that I would not take back for the life of me.

I suppose the purpose of this post is to encourage communication and experience. Don't hide from sharing parts of your heart. This life is too short to hide from who we really are. After all, when you let your guard down, you really are quite beautiful. Don't ever forget that.